So, after a long week of self imposed censorship, I ‘m starting to feel like a bull behind the arena gates and I’m seeing red! I lied last week, well; I didn’t lie until I made changes to my post ten minutes after posting it. And the backlash, whoa, I heard from a lot of people this week how they didn’t like my last post because it was missing something, and yes, IT WAS-I took something out! It was missing a piece of me, and my ability to recklessly detonate my thoughts into written words, and I hated it! Not only am I struggling against my desire to bare my soul and the coinciding thoughts, without hurting anyone, I’m also having an internal conflict about being true to myself. (There has to be a way to accomplish both and it starts now!)
The blog I posted last week was a glossy version of what I was really thinking, but I went against myself out of fear. I was afraid of the repercussions of my words and how other people could use them against me. In addition, I spoke to a trusted friend semi-prior to posting who advised me to make a few changes. I called her for advice because my provocative tone has gotten me into a little trouble lately. (Who knew?) Hence my perceived need for a sensible person (the lobbyist) to proof read my blog. (I tend to be erratic, selfish, outrageous, and crass.) She did what I asked her to do, she told me what SHE thought, and she felt I needed to make some changes (tone it down a little) for my own good. She was being a great friend, protector and advisor-everything I’d asked of her.
I was annoyed by the idea of dialing back my work, you know, making it more suitable for the average public. However, anxiety is a powerful motivator, therefore, that’s what I did, I reined it in just to be on the safe side and by doing so I went against myself. It didn’t feel good to distrust my own writing, seriously, I’m talking about words here, but they (my words) are MY words and I think I’m worthy enough to express my thoughts. This was just another small test of faith and commitment to myself. Although I let myself down by not being true to my voice, I did however make the decision not to judge the way I chose to communicate.
I was just telling someone (the professor) today how I’m the type of person that apologizes later as opposed to asking for permission. (My mantra- I’ll let you know how that’s working me later.) Furthermore, I’m also the type of person who thinks out-loud in my writing. I know this may feel threatening to some, but I see my willingness to reveal myself openly as a positive trait. I am starting to trust more and more everyday that I am a writer and the writer in me cannot help but be refreshingly honest in my quest for connection. (It was brutally honest until my therapist re-named it for me. Funny right?)
This is a process for me, and one that I don’t take lightly. I think in order to find success (to feel good about what I write) I have to forge ahead fearlessly into the unknown, knowing that I am doing this for me. All of this writing, the blogging, the outline for my book are all for me, and even though I care what people think about me, I’m not doing this for them, I’m doing it for me. I can’t talk about my life the way I can write about it, its sad, but I can’t even feel half of it unless I write about it. I’m cleaning house and this place is not going to be free of the cobwebs until I can see them. Writing frees my head, it opens my eyes, and my heart; and it provides a safe exit for the negative, and an opening for the good, or god within, or love of self.
So let’s try this again, hopefully I don’t have any tape to spit out from my gag order.
One of my guy friends, (the speaker), immediately sent me a text after reading “How Bright is your Rainbow” saying, “You’re a four, no question about it!” I stated in my blog that I was a five on Kinsey’s continuum scale. This made me giggle for a few reasons, one being the maleness of his comment, and because he was doing what all of us do daily, which is to cast out our own perceptions of the world. And, I’d like to add; there is enough room for all of our opinions however small or large the space between.
The idea of placing myself on a sexual continuum is quite fascinating because it, like everything in life changes. “Nothing stays the same except for change.” If however, I am going to put myself on any scale (god forbid it’s the bathroom scale) I would like mine to be a little more extensive than just a seven pointer. I would like it to encompass the nuances of individuals and how those expressions come into to play.
Let’s take me for example, because really I can only speak for myself. One could argue how I ended up in a lesbian relationship. For starters, I felt neglected by my mother as a child, my mother seemed cold and emotionally cutoff from me. My boundaries were crossed, and I was put in ripe circumstances for molestation to occur. I’m not saying that I was molested, well a least that I know of, but it could have happened. However, I did grow up hard and fast, and my best interest wasn’t always top priority. In addition, my mother didn’t always choose well when it came to the men in her life, and she told me way too much about the things going on in their relationships. There were drugs, infidelity, a ton of chaos, and a lot of male bashing-blame going on in my childhood.
I’m sure there are plenty of people out there who would say, AHA, now I see why she is in a relationship with a woman. She didn’t bond with her mother, she doesn’t trust men, a man may have mistreated her, she always heard men were the reason things went wrong in her mother’s life. For arguments sake, I will agree with that assumption, but I also think there is an added layer, actually, I believe there are many reasons why people are in same-sex relationships.
I tend to somewhat concur with lesbian activist Camille Paglia, (Now I’m really in trouble across the board!) when she said, “Homosexuality is ‘not normal’. On the contrary it is a challenge to the norm. Nature exists whether academics like it or not. And in nature, procreation is the single, relentless rule. That is the norm. Our sexual bodies were designed for reproduction. No one is born gay. The idea is ridiculous. Homosexuality is an adaptation, not an inborn trait.”
” Is the gay identity so fragile that it cannot bear the thought that some people may not wish to be gay? Sexuality is highly fluid, and reversals are theoretically possible.”
I grant her theory of “normal” is procreation as pertaining to the universal laws of nature. Furthermore, I don’t think anyone fresh out of the womb is completely gay. It does however seem as though some individuals are more predisposed to homosexuality than others. We, Homosapiens are part of the animal kingdom, which makes us sexual beings, and we like many other animals are fluid in our sexuality. In addition, our sex drive is so innate, that we under certain circumstances adapt our behaviors for the continuation of our ingrained wiring to fulfill those needs. (IE. Intercourse between male inmates-the penis has to go somewhere.) In addition, throw in our ultimate score as a species which is survival, and we will do anything to aspire to that goal. Even fear of being unloved equals death in our archaic stem, so if something signals us to become one way or another in order to survive, our more advanced brain has a hard time overriding that pull. If you follow my stance, and are able to interpret that my personal slate begins here: the laws of nature dictate procreation, sex is animalistic-we are animals, and yet our primary function before reproducing is survival, then it follows that we, as animals are able to become fluid in our sexuality for reasons our evolved brains cannot override.
Ok, back to me (surprise) and to the point I’m trying to make. I might have been primed for a lesbian relationship in my childhood due to my circumstances. To take it a step further, there could be a permanent looping in my brain that says, “You were not loved, therefore you are dead.” that I’m trying to unconsciously counter by revisiting childhood wounds within the context of a relationship with a woman. I will give you all of that and more, but for me the pot of gold is here: (Dad, you may want to stop here.) I would not under any circumstances be in a sexual relationship with a woman if it didn’t turn me on. The two cannot exist together without being true. So I’m not sure how much of that is adaptation or not, but either way, I think you must have all the ingredients in order for same sex, sex to work for you. Basically I’m saying another woman with my same history might be just as predisposed to a lesbian relationship as I am, but maybe the difference is chemistry, or maybe it’s open-mindedness. I don’t have all the answers but I do know this- I really like it!!!
I enjoy the strong emotional component of a female, female relationship; it works well for me, as I am a highly sensitive, cerebral (I’m in my head a lot), and communicative person. In my relationship with a woman we talk about and analyze everything going on between us. This works out really well for me, as it peels my skin and allows me to be more vulnerable, thereby promoting an overwhelming sense of safety. I love the soft, yielding shape of a woman’s body, its comfortable and accommodating. I respect the male physique in theory, but it feels rigid and standoffish to me.
Having a girlfriend is great, we can get our toes done together, share clothes, and we care take for each other in different ways. Although its not always fun especially when our cycles are off, but either way, we understand what its like when the other is premenstrual. (Can you imagine tow weeks of women PMSing; you’re probably wondering when we ever have sex. TMI, I know but I couldn’t help myself.)
However, there is one important, maybe the most important element that I’ve left out, love. Whether you are gay, straight, bisexual, bi-curious, semi bi-curious, semi straight, semi gay, semi none of the above, you still have to have love in the equation before any relationship can work out. Sex, on the other hand is not for some, contingent upon love. What’s interesting to me is what I heard from my grandmother growing up, “Wait until you get married, when it’s really special before you have sex.” When really it’s not about being married at all, it’s about feeling safe, open, and allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to show someone your true essence. To be able to look someone in the eye as you reach the height of love and climax or, to be so in tune with another human that you reach that point with them without being there yourself, but be able to climax through them.
I’ve never been able to experience those amazingly spiritual moments with another person until now, and I am so grateful for ending the struggle within myself and made the decision to live, or to give in to the ancient call of my natural being.
In sum, I am still a five today despite my intellectual ability to reason my way out of being gay. Next week (Assuming my words don’t cause another emotional tidal wave.) I’m going to further discuss some of my earlier experiences with lesbianism, and how it went from child’s play, to same sex adults playing house. (As a friend would say.)
Thank you for the opportunity to allow me to express myself in an open manner. I appreciate the support and feedback. To you and yours, give each other your all because it’s all you really have to give.