Contemplating Vulnerability

If what I seek is love and acceptance, then why do I project something else? When I yield to myself I recognize my misguided behaviors as self- defeating and am able to see them as motives for protecting my insecurities. The moments of accountability aren’t simple nor do they come frequently. The ways I act defiantly scorch my soul where others only boil then I salve and treat the rest. That’s what this blog is about -knowing and forgiving- the shameful and harmful, and the grace it takes to console myself in the bed of acceptance. I don’t know why I do it publicly other than to fill my emptiness of self-doubt with the idea if I can show my haunted corners they must be forgivable. It’s an untamable pull, a requirement of my experience to know and be known in the mind of our collective inner child. I’m scattered, moody and anxious when I don’t get to write, Susan says, “It seems to anchor you.” I’ve been feeling askew lately because the kids are out of school and the guilt of leaving them during my vacation has me working double time to make amends. It sounds ridiculous but I do all kinds of things just to feel “right,” or worthy. Instead of finding time to write my thoughts, they’re venturing into the realm of resentments and bitterness over not being able to focus on them. I’m also having a hard time directionally. I want to say more but I’d like to keep my integrity by being respectful. I’m not sure how much a blog can actually handle versus a book, and if I keep sensitive material only for my book then most of my attention will go there instead of the blog. Basically, the time has come for me to get serious. At this point I expect more of myself and my work is deadened because I’m skimming the surface. I wont let myself fully go there in the blog. Should I break up with her-the blog- and focus on the book? Or morph with the blog and the book the way I did with the two sides of me? The side that needed to be loved but hurt myself trying, and the side that took a chance and decided to try loving herself first? And yes, I share some of the same qualities of crazy and naughty I despise in my mother, but I’m willing to quell my mistakes by acknowledging them until they reach a warm ember illuminating the good.

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About monocurious

I'm like air, forever flowing, moving, changing, gaining and losing myself, undefinable. View my complete profile
This entry was posted in Book versus Blog and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Contemplating Vulnerability

  1. Kendra says:

    I think you are too hard on yourself, and you feel guilty for things you shouldnt.
    However my “hard on yourself” radar may not be a good indicator for all my faults!
    Hope you continue the blog, the audience you are building bodes well for marketing that an agent would luv to see! And getting an agent can be difficult, but do whatever feels right, whatever is best for you and your book.

  2. Kat says:

    Break up with the blog and focus on the book. You’ve already begun keeping secrets, so it’s only fair to her.

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