Week 1: The Dating Scene (my temperature is rising)
I picked my head up about a month ago after a friend got real with me and said, “What are you going to do to make yourself happy?” I was suffering, and with good reason, however I wasn’t doing anything to help myself, and waiting around for her didn’t yield any results.
I was being such a good little martyr-doing all the right things to heal from the emotional brutality of the break-up. I was almost self-righteous about it too, like hey, watch how much I can suffer, fuckers. So I decided to start having some fun again, even if it was contrived fun.
I stated flirting a little bit here and there, one day I was at REI looking for the dressing rooms. I saw a cute girl (whom I took to be a les-be-friend) waiting outside the fitting rooms. Instead of asking her if she was in line, I asked, “Are you the line?” flashing her a quick-up too no-good grin. I took her off guard. She tripped on her words. “Um, yeah, I think this is the line. I’m waiting.” And then the door opened and someone came out and the she went in, and told me, “I won’t be long.” I said, “OK, no worries, I’ll be waiting.” But I didn’t stay. I hauled ass out of there. I scared myself to death. However, I was pleased and amused at my boldness, and this is how it all began.
That was the day I made the decision to start living again, which includes flirting, dating, feeling sexual, and enjoying my life, but I knew I had to be careful. I have the tendency to become addicted to people, I have a habit of relying on them to fix me, and I know this is NOT possible. I try using them for my happiness, but I know this isn’t sustainable, true contentment must come from within, which is why I have been working so hard on getting to know myself. (Insert rolling of the eyes.)
In addition, I also had to have a conversation with myself about the possibility of falling into a rebound relationship. I knew this wouldn’t be helpful; it would only hinder all the miracle growth going on over here. And if anyone needs to grow up a little it’s this girl, for real. I was also, (and still am) very aware of my feelings for ______, and that I need to give myself the time and space to work through them in a healthy way.
So with all these intentions, and concerns, I set about trying to find a few dates. And it didn’t take long, which in retrospect is hysterical. I cried many a dramatic nights to my friends how no one would ever love me again, and that I wasn’t ever going to be attracted to anyone, basically that the sun had set on the possibility of love and sex ever happening for me again in this lifetime. Whish is now laughable and absurd.
The stories I tell myself, I am such a fascinating little creature. What, with all the ways I look to put myself in that victim role, the place I like to lounge in the arms of vindication. Thank God for my great friend who says things to me like, “Good God, you are so dramatic, it’s exhausting. “ and mean it with love in her heart and nothing but goodwill for me. I’m telling you people, honest friends are the best friends. I only want people in my life who are fearless in their love for me, who are willing to show me exactly who I am, ugliness and all.
In any event, back to dating, so it seems-even in my half-datable state-I am quite popular. And let me tell you, I have enjoyed every thrilling second of it, however it has also brought up more for me to mourn about my relationship with ________. Sometimes it makes me miss her more, yet over all it has been instrumental in making myself happy again.
I’m blushing with excitement to share my version of dating with you. It has been interesting, funny, sad, and titillating all wrapped in a Shannon sized package.
It is ripe for story telling, and you know I can’t resist. Stay tuned.