Men/Women And Dating

I really want to get down on, and share with you my experiences with dating, however, I’ve decided to keep quiet about it for a while. But keep reading and checking back with me because when I’m ready I will in fact write about the things I’ve done, the characters I’ve met and the conversations we’ve had, but I’m just not there yet. I want to be able to give you my whole truth; all the nuanced details, the things that make me purr, and laugh, and also the parts of it that make me cry. However, right now I am only able to give you bits and pieces, and that’s no fun for anyone. Even writing this makes me feel let down, but I’m doing this to protect myself.

And this is what I call maturity, (and truthfully a little conniving on my part. I have a master plan formulating and it has something to do with dating, so stay tuned.)
{In my head I just took a bow.}

I have become aware of the fact that I’m not strong enough to deal with the attention writing about dating has brought me. I need to be more secure in my beliefs and self- image before I start processing with the public, so for now I’ll be, as I once heard someone say, “digging on estrangement,” and it is strange to me to hold back, it feels weird and uncomfortable. I like, as my friend’s husband calls it, “to shake the soda bottle.” I enjoy making other people squirm, in every possible sense of the word (insert devil may care grin.)

Speaking of, I would like to tell you more about my thought process regarding dating woman/men, and which sex I chose. I mentioned flirting with a woman in my previous post, “The Dating Scene,” however I never really came out and said that I would be dating women or dating women exclusively, but I am and I will tell you why.

Many people have asked me about my sexuality. I am clearly very feminine in my nature, and appearance. I was once married to and had children with a man, and I had dated many men before him. Before my relationship with ______ I had a few sexual encounters with women, and a girl crush or five. My sister asked me, “So was ______ just a special circumstance or are you really into women?”

When __________ first left me I thought to myself many times over how much easier it would be for me to start dating men again. For starters, I don’t think one could ever break my heart the same way a woman could, in fact I know they can’t. And this seems appealing for the apparent reason: safety. Yet that would be so sad, dreadful, tragic and boring for me, and I’ve lived that life before. It makes me think of some saying. You know that stupid, annoying but true, fucking cliché that says something like, “the greater the risk the greater the reward?”

The other reason why dating men again seemed possible is because they’re easier for me to manage than women. (You know there is some truth in the phrase, “pussy whipped.” The phrase wasn’t minted “cock whipped” for nothing.) Which sort of plays a role in my third thought which was that men would be more accepting of my little nuggets’ than women.

In addition, I have more experience dating men; I know where to find them and how to go about flirting in way that lets them know I’m interested. I find some men attractive, I admire the strong male body, and I see their value. Men have this great ability to simplify relationships that two women don’t. It could be the testosterone in them that doesn’t take everything so personal. Most men I know can blow off a woman’s drama and moodiness like it’s nothing. One of my Ex’s thought that my bitchiness was a sure sign of my “needing to get fucked.” Now that’s what I call detachment. I don’t know any woman alive that thinks crankiness is an invitation for sex, if anything it means the opposite. Men are funny that way, and I appreciate them for this quality. They desensitize the relationship in a sense; for me there wasn’t a lot of talk about feelings, nor were there discussions about every single emotion I experienced throughout the day, and I cycle through them all about 8293 times daily. The men in my life weren’t as tuned in to me as women, and as I’ve said before: I need a lot of attention, love and care. I need to be with someone who can be in my pulse, someone I want to put under my skin.

This never happened for me in heterosexual relationships, even though they were easier for me in some ways, they just weren’t as fulfilling and for this I wave my gay flag. I must have the kind the love that can tear me to pieces, the type of love that has a life of its own, that breathes the heightened and over sensitive female-to female emotional connection. And honestly, I have to have the maternal part of a woman. It’s what I need in order to feel alive in love. It’s something I missed out on, the missing link for me on the flexible continuum of love and sex, and all the complicated places in between. For me, it’s all related.

And then there’s the sex piece. Who’s to say if I prefer women’s bodies and sex with women in comparison to men because of the intense emotional connection I find with women, or am I able to be more vulnerable with woman because I like having sex with them more? I can’t answer this. For me they are one-in the-same. I love women more than men for both reasons.

Women are soft, and yielding, nurturing and sensual. They’re emotional in a way that’s in rhythm with my heartbeat; they thrive on the cycles of the moon. They can feel the depth of my longing, and the intention of my lovemaking. Women can sense the energy in the palm of my hand, and they know instinctively when I’m thinking about them from a distance. They know all of me because I let them see me.

However, lesbian relationships are difficult because of all those wonderful qualities mentioned above, and I don’t have that innately masculine ability to detach from all the emotional havoc. But they are worth it and I’m willing to forgo-in my opinion-the more equalized and balanced state of heterosexual relationships in order to be with a woman, and my version of true, intimate love.

Dating women is where I’m finding my footing although the ground is shaky. I’m not very skilled at the art of picking up lesbians, but I have a few ideas. Please stay with me, keep reading and encouraging me as I build up my strength to expose the secrets of dating women. I am exploring and growing, but more so, and more importantly I am learning more about myself, my likes and dislikes and what I will and will not accept. And it’s constantly changing.

Love to you and yours and all your thoughts about sex and love.

SJ

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About monocurious

I'm like air, forever flowing, moving, changing, gaining and losing myself, undefinable. View my complete profile
This entry was posted in Break-up Sex, Divorce, Expectations, Fantasy Girls, in love with a woman, Lesbian, Lesbian Marriage, Lesbian sex, love, sex, Sexual Continuum and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Men/Women And Dating

  1. Beth T says:

    I think your writing is getting better.

  2. lezbean2u says:

    Interesting thoughts from someone I can relate to. As with you, married, dated men and had a few women encounters. I finally came to terms with the fact that I was living as society expected me to live. In reality, I’m lesbian and it feels good to acknowledge it to myself and learn to live in this woman-loving skin! Good luck with your adventure into finding a woman to love.

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