There’s a well-traveled path in the woods behind my house nestled in a dip of land between a church and the row of houses on my street. I take my dog there daily to run off leash while I enjoy quiet moments spent contemplating under the trees. I use this time to pray, to ask questions of the universe and to listen for answers. I look for messages on the vines that wrap like pythons around trees, and watch for visiting birds, and other species of life. I scan the forest floor for details in the leaves, and watch up close the discrete life of insects. These things have meaning to me, I need something to believe in, and I find it here.
I look towards the sky as I fall backwards in the enchantment of my inner-child, my curious nature ravenous for more. I think I see layers of the spiritual world dancing through shapes of light. I hear the sound of my voice ask for guidance. It’s sweet, and innocent. I feel at home and lost, small yet connected. “I don’t know how to stop loving her; I don’t know how to put her down. Dear Creator of all things please take her from me. I know she was never mine to possess, she’s been yours all along. Take my thoughts of her, my longing, and my desire to know her. I can’t do this anymore. I give up.”
I reached my arms out for the support of a nearby tree. It was thin but sturdy, I wrapped myself around it and cried out-loud. I pressed my forehead against the bark, closing my eyes and begged the universe to watch out for her. “Please God take care of my sweet-love, please. I give her to you, shield and protect her from harm. I am so profoundly sad for her, and I’m worried about her wellbeing. I know it’s not my place to be upset about the choices she makes, please take my illusion of thinking I know what is right for her. Please hold her in the light of your love, just love her, cradle and cuddle her in your warmth. I wrap her in a soft, fuzzy blanket, draped in my arms, kiss her eyelids and hand her over to you.” I tell her, “Don’t worry my sweet, we will meet up again sometime. The timing wasn’t right, but eventually everything will workout between us. Our love has already reconciled on the spiritual plane. It’s there that we find each other.” I just need something to believe in and this is my belief.
I could’ve been praying and using visualization for myself, I need those things too, that kind of love, and nurturing. This is the first time I have ever asked my Higher Power to care for and love an adult in this way. These types of prayers are usually saved for my little ones’, maybe I was praying for the injured child inside of her, or perhaps my love for her is shifting. Either way it was healing and necessary, like the scarring of a wound. After my time in the forest I felt better about life-I walked home a few inches taller. I was glowing in my love and compassion for her soul. I knew with complete resolve that I wanted nothing but the best for her, even though that means not being in a relationship with me. I felt so light I hummed the tune to a song from my childhood, “This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.” I felt proud of my ability to love so hard and at my efforts to live in the light despite my dark pain. I am an amazing creature.
It has been eighteen weeks since the relationship ended. I’m a few weeks into the second trimester of giving birth to my new self. (So I think.) For the last week or so I’ve been stuck, unable to grow. I keep hearing there’s a formula to it, a time-tested, universal experience to grief and loss, healing and transformation. I’m fixed, and firm in the grasp of everything I’m still holding onto about losing her, how I see her, and what it all says about me. Who was I, and who am I becoming?
Dating has allowed me to see myself through others eyes: I’m beautiful, bright, charming, irresistible, honest, searching, full of life, confusing, frustrating, scared, and unable to accept love when it’s given. An adorable new person in my life asked, “Why are you trying to push me away? It’s like you don’t think you deserve to be loved and accepted.” I didn’t have an answer for her. What she said was sort of true. It stung with hints of resonance.
Dating sometimes makes me miss________ more. I think it’s because I have to be willing to imagine someone else doing the things with me that she and I did together. For a while it was all fun and play, I had my gamer-face working for me, but then something started happening with one cutie-pie (in particular) mentioned above. I was no longer just getting to know someone; I was beginning to like her, which in turn tangled my emotions into a knot. I had to replace _____________ in certain situations and this scared me and took me by surprise. I couldn’t believe I was laughing so hard with someone else, that this special girl felt comfortable, and good to me. It was eerie. It made me have to take a giant step back. It meant I was further distancing myself from the person I viewed as my future. I wasn’t ready for all this. I didn’t want to have to give up more of her. But why I thought I still had any of her is a mystery to me. I’m not seeing straight, the fact is I don’t have any of her; I just have the idea of her.
I could be refusing to give up my attachment to____________ because I don’t really believe that I deserve better. (Even though I say otherwise.) Why else would I be hanging on to the notion of receiving love from someone who can’t give me what I want? Wanting a specific type of love from someone whose constitution is incapable of giving it, or, (who just doesn’t want to) is about me. I’m trying as they say, “To get bread from the hardware store.” For some reason I think there must be a loaf on the back shelf somewhere, as opposed to just going to the bakery to get what I want. This makes me angry knowing that I seem to only want something that doesn’t exist, but that’s the tricky part, it is there to some degree, there is a trail of breadcrumbs. I know she loves me, I know the bread IS in fact there; it’s just not for sale. Which begs the question, why do I only want crumbs? Her love is no longer available to me. I’ve always in one-way or another-gotten what I want but not this time. I’m not going to fight for anyone or anything that doesn’t want me no matter how hungry I am. These are the key lessons that I’m trying to learn: self-respect, and self–love; but hot damn does it burn like cold fire.
Rooting out the problem with this scenario-my desire for someone who can’t give me what I want-is the gentle method of releasing my cords from her. I can’t seem to move on fast enough though. Maybe I’m just being impatient, but fuck me, how long does it take?
I’m so tired; this grieving bullshit has almost taken me out. I want to give in, to breakdown and call her and tell her how much I want her back,how I love and miss her. I’ve been close many times, but I’ve managed to stand by my own side. I’ve been accountable to myself and doing this makes me feel like I am one hell of a gem. And I am, I’m a little darling if you didn’t know. (Tell your friends.)
My latest victory is probably what inspired me to ask God to protect, love and watch over her. We have only spoken a few times since the break-up, however the last time we talked she asked something of me. She asked, “Will you process our relationship with me so that I can move forward? You’re one of my most favorite people to talk to and I still want to be able to have some piece of you.” This request felt like she was trying to squeeze the air out of my lungs. I know she wasn’t trying to hurt me, but everything inside me froze in a silent scream. I felt like I was being pulled apart by two conflicting emotions: 1. I wanted nothing more than be able to talk to her, to help her and to have something with her. However, the opposing force was stronger.
I stood up for myself in a big-girl way. I took care of my emotional and spiritual bodies by telling her, “I would love to be able to process with you, however that doesn’t work for me. If you want to process our relationship in hopes of reconciling with me well then that’s a different story, but that’s not what you said. I’m not going to make up a story that states otherwise. I trust that if what you want is to be with me again you will let me know. As for now, I can’t be your friend. My heart isn’t there yet. I love you and miss you but I can’t do that to myself. I’m still healing; I’m vulnerable and tender. Trying to have a friendship with you now would be a set back for me. I’m working hard to get there, and I hope to have something like that with you in the future. I don’t know if or when that will ever happen, or what it will look like, but I’m trying to get there.”
I second-guessed myself for days after. I felt guilty and terrible about not being able to have a friendship with her yet, but lucky for me I was angry too. It’s what kept me grounded in my decision. I was mad because I had/have been working so hard to get over her, I have been praying, writing, journaling, and processing on my own. She can’t be my problem and the solution. I am the solution to my own shit, not her. But my heart is pliable, and I love her, so I eased off my show-pony and took her request to God. I want her to be ok, more than ok. I want her to feel loved, to receive love, and to know true happiness.
I believe in these things. I need something to believe in and love is the answer.
I don’t know how to stop loving her. I don’t know how to fall out of love with her, but hopefully with the help of my higher power my love for her will continue to change. I want to be open to receive new love, mutable enough to allow someone else to love me, and so brave that I take a chance on feeling what it’s like to be loved the way I need to be loved. I want to be able to give the precious girl with the playful blue eyes what she has given me. I want to learn how to love again.