Giving Up On Hope

(I don’t know how to write about this, I don’t know how to be honest with you-my readers. You all know how much I love myself for my ability to be vulnerable with you. It’s just hard when it involves other people and their lives, too. I’m scared of myself right now.)

I’m confused. There’s much to say, however I’m afraid to speak, write, or admit anything. I’m nervous about the fall-out, which for a writer is never a good thing. I want to feel free to express myself however I please, but even (I) have to be careful sometimes, and I fudging don’t enjoy being responsible. She, (my ex-partner-wow, calling her that is like swallowing bile) said, “I’m going to stop reading your blogs.” I don’t write them for her, I write them for you and me.

I have to go by what she tells me and trust that if she does read this and any future posts, then she wants to know what’s on my mind. But I can’t let this idea interfere with how I live my life and what I write. However, I do have to make sure I’m prepared for the back draft of anything I put out to the world. And to do this I have to be as my friend said, “Willing to give up hope.” But right now I don’t trust myself, I don’t know if I’m clinging to hope or if by writing about it I’m learning to detach.

What I do know is this: if I focus on staying in the light-coming from my place of love-I will be able to stay true to myself-my core values and beliefs. I have to do this because my motives aren’t clear which could be a dangerous starting point, but I’m hoping this process will help me understand myself better.

I need to tell on myself, here it goes: I allowed myself to become intoxicated with her again. Dear God, will this ever end? She almost had me for a second, too. I went back and forth for a solid sixty-two hours with the idea that my boundaries are too rigid. I know she means well, but I did a number on myself by engaging with her. I can’t blame her for wanting to talk to me I’m an incredible listener. I’m generous, and I try hard to own my part. But now I’m spinning from the interaction.

It feels like she breaks up with me all over again (for the fourth time.) Each time we rendezvous, via text, phone or anything, I’m always left with the same empty feeling: She’s gone. And I’ve told her this too, but she still insists on contacting me. She said, “ I want to talk to you and go over what went wrong. Maybe we can find answers to heal each other.” I just don’t get it. She knows the deal, I’ve told her, “I can’t process with you unless you want to be WITH me.” And she doesn’t, and on that note, I don’t want to be with her either. Fuck it all, love just isn’t enough.

What else is there to talk about? She knows my life style isn’t changing anytime soon, and she wants to keep her other inner-circle-relationship (one that crosses my boundaries) fully intact-the way it is-without compromising-with someone who I experience as being disrespectful, and as a wedge between us. We love each other but we can’t be together because of these fundamental differences-breakers.

(I want to tell you all the details, but I’m not going to right now. I feel this urge to tell you because I want you to take my side, I want you to know all the 411 on how I was (victimized-whoa is me) by this other person, but I won’t do it until I can take full responsibility for my part and I’m not there yet. I can’t write about it in a compassionate and loving way. And I want to keep the integrity I’ve worked so hard to cultivate in my life. Thank you all for being active followers and readers. I want you to know that when I can talk about this stuff I will, please stay with me.)

The facts about why we broke up are what they are and she knows them. So again, I have to go by what she says, “She just wants to process the relationship with me.” Which means the mixed up messages I’m receiving are coming from my own thoughts. They are based on false hope. I have to let go of hope in order to see clearly. I have to smash hope to pieces in order to stop interacting with her. I still pick up the phone, and engage in text conversations because there is still a part of me that wants things to be something other than what reality tells me. And this is how I hurt myself.

This is why I feel rejected each time she makes contact, but I can’t make her stop. I can only control my reaction.

But I don’t know if I’m strong enough yet. I don’t know if I can resist the temptation to pick up that story line and run with it like I stole something.

Until this time comes, my dating life will continue being erratic; I’m not going to be able to trust my judgment. My thoughts and feelings are constantly changing.

Hopefully my new friend will continue being patient with me. I’m excited about the prospect of telling you about this part of my life, but it’s still too soon.

I would love a little extra support right now. I’m trying to keep the focus on me. I want to finish my book, have it edited and pitch it for publication. Please pray that I find the strength, financial resources and tenacity to pull it all together. God knows how much this means to me.

Thank you all for your continued support, love, comments, and good energy.

Hugs, and smooches, SJ

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About monocurious

I'm like air, forever flowing, moving, changing, gaining and losing myself, undefinable. View my complete profile
This entry was posted in hope, in love with a woman, Lesbian, Lesbian Breakup, Lesbian Marriage, Lesbian sex, loss, love and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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