Like a proud parent, I’m beaming; my face is bright, eyes are smiling. Hope has returned, not the same hope that I battled until humbled and forced to surrender, but a new hope, one that is an outgrowth of my process. Hope never dies it just changes. And to think all I had to do was make the decision.
I don’t think I would be here at this starting point without you all. You have been my reprieve, my personal love affair, the one I’ve whispered my secrets to, and held me in your arms in my darkest hours. And like every good lover you’ve also been honest with me and you’ve asked for what you want. You gave me your faith when you saw that mine had wavered, you-in your own way-got real with me and told me to stand up, look around and start living my life again. You gave me the permission I needed to step into the life that’s in front of me.
This week a major internal shift occurred within, I’m certain you felt my extreme discomfort; you witnessed the unpleasantness of my re-birth. While writing my previous blog post, “Giving Up On Hope,” I was stuck in the canal, fighting and squirming to get out, and you were there waiting on my arrival, coaxing me out of my suffering. A friend told me, “I felt so uncomfortable for you while reading your post. It made me anxious.” She was right, I was giving you just that: my rawness, the breaking of my water-my laboring to breathe oxygen of new hope.
I’m stretching out in my new digs, feeling my way around. There’s someone new, she caught me but I didn’t except to find her here. I heard her voice all along, but when I finally pushed through, and opened my eyes I saw her, she is the girl inside that made a decision. I didn’t even realize that I was making it, that I had chosen to grow as opposed to staying in an environment that was squeezing the life out of me.
And you all helped me move through it to find hope again, and for that I’m so grateful. Speaking of gratitude, I am also thankful for a new person in my life that has also helped me see the sweetest-thing inside.
(Next time I’ll share more details. I just wanted to send this quick message out since so many of you reached out this week. Everything you all said really helped. I’m gushing to tell you more about my new friend and the choice that forced me out of my own way.)
I love you. SJ