I’m over here scheming again, trying to be ok. I plan when I’m not comfortable, but at least now I have more information. I tried dating, but I failed. It’s not that I didn’t find any dates, it’s that my heart isn’t ready for everything that comes along with it, and this is what I call having, “pretty girl problems.” What I mean by this is that I’m desirable enough to attract dates, pull someone close enough in that they end up getting hurt, and now I feel awkward about trying to date in the first place.
(And the drama continues. Like I hate it or something. How pathetic is it that I feel inclined to complain about these types of problems? I am ridiculous, so keep reading. You know I thrive on it for the value it brings to the page.)
No, you know what? I’m not going to criticize myself for something that I wasn’t aware of until I tried. I didn’t know my heart was still too attached to the spark that is now my ex –-my heart just sank refusing to accept this new title. These are things I couldn’t possibly know until given the opportunity to really move forward. And how bittersweet this is for me to know that I had the chance to be with someone else in a significant way, but didn’t have it to give away.
I met a great girl–a sweet, cool–as in not trying to be cool, cool–adorable, precious, cute, sexy, funny, compassionate, emotionally available, and emotionally generous girl a few months after my break with the fire. I feel quite honored to have won her affection and adoration; she’s a special person. The last thing I ever wanted was to treat her with disregard, but I did, and for that I’m not proud. When I realized what was happening I didn’t want to acknowledge it, I wanted to push through, and force myself to keep moving forward with her. However, my heart hasn’t healed enough to accept anyone new, and like I’ve said before, my heart doesn’t lie. Hence the expression, “The heart wants what it wants.”
However, my head is a brilliant little liar, I could be lying now for that matter. And I typically love more with my head than my heart, but not this time, I tried being in it with just my head but it wasn’t enough. Make no mistake, I do have honest feelings for my new friend, they’re just not enough for her, or for a relationship. She called me out too many times. She even asked, “Do you want to get back together with ________? It seems like you do. Why don’t you just talk to her?” I told her it wasn’t that simple. She said, “Well maybe I’m different, but I think if two people love each other they should be together.” (Do you see why she’s so amazing?)
She saw my secret places—maybe it has been obvious all along—that something still smolders beneath my surface like gray ash. She said, “You’re still thinking about your past. It seems like you don’t want to let go.” She’s right. Deep down I don’t really want to let go or else I would’ve by now, and I’m just going to stay put right here until I’m good and ready. I’m tired of fighting it, I’m sick of trying to out smart, out ego, and out run love. I just love her, period. The end.
So here’s what I’ve decided to do: (And this is where the scheming begins.) I know for me I need to have a real, open and honest conversation with ________________. We haven’t had one, or much contact since our break. I’ve been scared to talk to her because I didn’t want to hear what she has to say. I didn’t think I could handle more rejection or more closure, but at this point I think it’s what I need. My stomach is in knots just at the idea of it, but I’m hoping it will set me free. I call this scheming because I’m not comfortable, and I’m looking to someone else to help me. But it’s just my truth. I can’t do this alone anymore. This is who I am, and I’m sick of pretending. I need her; clearly I didn’t get the message. There are too many mixed signals for me and I need some clarification.
I’m having a pretty girl problem because I can’t seem to accept the reality of my break-up. A few of my friend’s have told me how shocked their husbands’ are over my intense morning. They’ve said things like, “Shannon is hot. She’ll have no problem finding someone new.”
But, that’s not the problem, my heart isn’t ready. The good thing is that I know this about myself now, and that I met a great friend along the way.
There’s a saying that goes like this: “Feelings aren’t facts.” And if there’s one thing my writing shows is how much mine have changed over the last 20 weeks. They’ve been all over the place but one feeling remains unchanged, and that is my love for her.
I’m a pretty little liar, a pretty little player, a pretty little lover, but most of all, I’m a pretty little head-case. Don’t feel sorry for me, I get to write about it.